Thoughts: Telling kids bad news, election edition

This post is written from my point of view about Trump’s re-election: Dismay. But most of the expert advice and parental responses I draw on apply to bad news of many types. So if you’re pleased with Trump’s win, you can pick up some ideas for the future!

One reason so many of us are reacting so negatively to Trump’s re-election is that we want our children and grandchildren to inherit a world in which they can flourish. We don’t know what will happen, but we are afraid that climate change action will be undermined; hate speech, name calling, and divisiveness will again be modeled by the president; the rule of law and the constitution will be under threat; and specific groups of people will be devalued or even dehumanized. If any of this comes to pass, none of us (including Trump supporters) will be able to feel at ease and reach our full potential in our country. 

With this in mind, parents who spent the summer talking up Harris and her agenda and speaking fearfully or angrily about Trump and his politics were handed a difficult assignment after the election: Explaining the bad news to their kids. With Thanksgiving gatherings right around the corner, grandparents might get in on the conversation, too. And getting these conversations right is important, because adults’ responses can make the difference in a child’s feeling safe or fearful, clear or confused about their family’s values, a member of society or an outlier.

Standard advice

Experts seem to agree overall about how to discuss election results that didn’t go the way a family had hoped (see links below). I’ll cover the general advice first, then talk about the experiences parents have had in implementing similar approaches since November 5, 2024—these complex discussions don’t always go as planned!

One point of agreement is that it’s important to talk about the news with children who are old enough to be aware of it—especially big news events like election results. One reason is that children will typically have gaps in their knowledge of what’s going on, including crucial context. For example, they may have little sense of how government is structured or how it works. What they don’t know or don’t understand they’ll fill in with their own inferences. In today’s media environment, reiterated or amplified on the playground, children are also very likely to hear rumors or misinformation. Adults need to fill in the knowledge gaps and provide accurate (!) information so that children can understand the situation with proper perspective. Additionally, say the experts, working through the reactions to unwelcome news can help children learn how to regulate their emotions around hard or scary events, and start the process of adults’ modeling how to handle downturns or disruptions. 

Suggested guidelines for the conversations include:   

• Tailor the approach to the child’s age and developmental stage. In some instances, given age and other factors, protecting children may require shielding them from news—especially when outcomes and eventualities are not yet clear.
• Convey the message that the child is safe and protected in the family no matter what happens outside.
• Include explicit discussion of feelings such as anger or fear in the conversations.
• Delve into the why of the feelings, to help children sort out what fears or other feelings are reasonable, given their situation, and which can be allayed, given their situation.
• Make your values explicit—democracy, respect, support for the poor, support for the working class, environmentalism, tax reductions, patriotism…whatever it is that you value, convey it in a way that the child can understand.
• Use the conversations as a launching pad to action, doing something in support of your values that the child can be aware of or participate in.
• Keep a sense of optimism, historical perspective, and self-efficacy, again with a forward-looking attitude. 

Great advice, but hard to apply

Safety, tailoring, and feelings. All the parents I talked to, whether their children were kindergarteners or in high school, wanted to be sure first and foremost that their kids feel safe. In terms of tailoring their discussion of election results, this sometimes meant holding back information. 

One parent, whose kindergarten-age child had helped send get-out-the-vote postcards, opted for minimal information-sharing: He told the child who won, and they agreed they were both sad. But he also observed that the child forgot about it quickly. So he opted to drop the subject, reasoning, “I don’t want to give him something to worry about that he wouldn’t understand or be able to control in any way. Basically, if he is able to ignore it completely I think that is a good thing at his age.” 

Another parent I spoke with has a nonbinary 16-year-old who identifies with the trans community. The parent is well aware that in the wider world, many trans people are terrified by Trump’s win—minimally, at potential outlawing of medications or other medical care; worse, at further infringements on their civil liberties or tacit license for increased bigotry; worse yet, at further increases in physical violence against them. But the parent describes the daughter as “living in a bubble” in a supportive family, school, and state (Minnesota). And she believes that the teen is too young to deal with all the issues they will eventually have to face. So while the parent keeps checking in with the teen about how they are feeling, she does not convey further knowledge of the situation, instead waiting for the teen to come to her with any of their own discoveries of the fears and concerns in the wider world. 

Other parents have had to tailor their responses by figuring out what is worrying their child, and then helping the child gain a more accurate understanding so that the child can feel safe.  

For example, one parent’s early grade-school-age children had learned throughout the election cycle that (in playground lingo) Donald Trump was “mean.” So the kids wondered, after the election, whether Donald Trump could come to their home or playground and hurt them. And whether he could hear them talking right now. This way of thinking personalized the election results, and made the children feel fearful. In addition, they were perceiving Trump as a magical character, wielding his power like a supervillain. Once the parent understood this, she attempted to explain how the presidency works. But mainly she emphasized safety: No, he isn’t coming, and no, he can’t hear you. You are safe at home.

Values. The advice to make your values explicit is also tricky. Potential pitfalls:

• You talk up values you don’t live. (Teenagers, particularly, will be quick to point out that you’re a hypocrite.) Perhaps you say that respecting others is a core value…until it comes to respecting Trump. Or his political retinue. Or people who voted for him.

• Your values conflict with one another. An example that could make for hard choices if Democrats’ worst fears about Trump’s retribution threats come to pass: You value safety, and you also value speaking out against injustice or tyranny. 

• Your child or grandchild disagrees with your values. One parent I talked with has been explicit in discussing her feminist values with her teenage sons, pointing out her observations of Trump’s sexist language and behaviors and her belief that sexism played a role in Harris’s defeat. But her sons have pushed back, believing that sexism has been blown out of proportion; in fact, they think that the girls in their school use “past” sexism against them. The parent says, “I have tried hard to reflect my lived experiences and to teach empathy by listening to their experiences, but it’s a definite clash!”

Being aware of pitfalls in advance and thinking them through can be helpful, but conversations will surprise you, so you’ll need to think on your feet. 

Moving toward action. As tricky as they can be, discussions that emphasize values can relay powerful messages, and begin to teach the children how to act on the values. Here’s how a parent reached this point with her 8- and 11-year-old children after they saw some political ads. The children, she said, “…asked me if [the ads] were true. We talked about misleading and inaccurate information. So I said, ‘Imagine if you didn't have someone to talk to about if this information was true.’…I tried to stress people getting caught up in messaging and hype rather than all the hate. But I did acknowledge that some folks may also feel strongly about hateful rhetoric and agree with it. Which is why I don't want them to use hateful language.” Hearing the children’s concerns, sharing information, sharing her values, and heading the kids toward action were all part of this brief exchange. 

At this stage, those of us who have deep concerns over what Trump second presidency will bring to our common life are still figuring out how to act on the advice to live our values and to maintain optimism. We realize we need to get there! Here’s a small starter (picked up from Vogue magazine, of all places) for a Thanksgiving table where people’s values and/or election choices don’t mesh. Pediatrician Corinn Cross suggests that parents (and grandparents, I would add) “…teach their [grand]children that most people in this country actually want the same things”…but “differ in how to approach those issues…Teach your [grand]child that it’s easy to be respectful to someone who sees the world the way you do…but we are tasked with showing respect to those who seem to differ from us.”  https://www.vogue.com/article/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-the-election 

PS. Grandparents, for these discussions, it will generally be best to follow the parents’ lead, as they know the child and the child’s situation better than you do. There are exceptions, but I don’t have space to discuss them here. 

Resources consulted:

Five parents with children of varying ages. Thank you so much!
https://www.vogue.com/article/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-the-election
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/10/30/parenting/election-stress-kids.
html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/parent-tips-20/202411/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-the-presidential-election-results  https://www.allinahealth.org/healthysetgo/thrive/tips-for-talking-with-kids-about-election-results
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/worry-wise/202411/helping-kids-process-election-results